Sometimes I wonder.

God, where are You? And where am I? And what is the current nature of the relationship between us? Where am I in relation to You? Am I standing right in front of You, too afraid to move forward into the next level of our relationship?

Are Your hands on my shoulder like those of a Father of a teenager, or holding mine like the Father of a toddler learning to walk? Am I blundering around Your throne in circles, looking for I know not what? Are you smiling, waiting for me to finally sit down and look at You for a moment? Are you standing right next to me, pointing at where we’re headed? Am I paying attention? Am I sitting in Your lap? Am I raising my fists at you? Am I curled cowering in a corner? Am I too afraid or angry or confused or blind or distracted or proud or discouraged or scowling to meet Your gaze?

Do I know how much I need You? Do I have any idea? Do I know how much You love me? Do I know anything about You? Would I recognize You in a crowd? Would I recognize Your voice? Would I recognize your features in mine? Would seeing you for the first time fill me with the single most complete sense of relief I had ever felt? Or would it frighten me? Or would it terrify me? Would I be upset? And how would I approach You? With a shout? Would I run to you and throw myself into Your arms? Would I be afraid? Would I avoid Your gaze? Would I have misgivings? Would I believe what You told me? Would I be courteous? Would I be curt? Would I burst into tears? Would I just stand and smile? Would the people I was with recognize You? Would they be excited? Would I be jealous of them?


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