A couple weeks ago, my model broke.

I had been duct-taping said model together for a long while. That proved ultimately to be a futile effort. In the midst of my life feeling a little hair-brained and too full for its britches anyway, the fundamental understanding I had been holding in my hands that tried to explain God’s character and support His goodness finally crumbled to dust and left me tetherless.

The experience was incredibly painful; disorienting; and anger inducing. It was triggered by realizing anew the sheer volume of immense, unspeakable, pointless suffering that happens in this world. It spread through my body and my psyche like a fever. I can no longer abate those observations with trite dogma, or will myself into ignorance. As one might say, the toothpaste is out of the tube.

It felt like a searing existential crisis two weeks ago. It feels like a dull, cried-yourself-out throb now. Sometimes I can feel curious about it. Sometimes I want to talk to God; to sit down across the table and try and be polite and ask good questions. A lot of the time I want to give Him the middle finger. Currently speaking with a Spiritual Director who didn’t give me a quick fix on the first visit. Not really sure what I hope things look like down the road. John 6:68.

-LS